Nov 25 2025

Why We Choose the Partners We Do: Imago Therapy for Couples

By |Childhood Trauma, Couple's Therapy, Imago Therapy|

Why We Choose the Partners We Do: Understanding Connection Through Imago Therapy

Romantic relationships often feel mysterious.
Why are we drawn to certain people instantly even when the relationship becomes painful later?
Why do some patterns repeat, no matter how much we try to choose differently?

Imago therapy offers a clear, compassionate lens for understanding these questions. It helps couples recognize the unconscious forces shaping attraction, conflict, and connection, especially the early attachment experiences that quietly guide how we love.

When couples finally understand why they chose each other – not just emotionally, but psychologically – everything begins to shift.

What Is Imago Therapy?

Imago Relationship Therapy is based on a simple but profound idea:
We’re unconsciously drawn to partners who reflect the emotional landscape of our childhood.

Not because we want to repeat the pain we grew up with but because some part of us is trying to heal it.

Imago refers to the “inner image” of early caregivers stored in our nervous system. That image includes:

  • The ways they connected
  • The ways they failed to connect
  • How safe or unsafe it felt to express needs
  • What happened when we were upset, vulnerable, or afraid
  • The level of emotional availability we were met with

Those early patterns become our blueprint for intimacy. So when we choose a partner, we’re rarely choosing at random. On a deep, unconscious level, we’re choosing someone whose qualities echo the unfinished emotional business of our childhood.

Why We’re Attracted to What Feels Familiar

For many people, the attraction they feel toward a partner is not purely chemistry, it’s recognition.

Something in this person triggers a memory the body knows well:

  • The way they pull back when overwhelmed
  • The way they lean in anxiously
  • How they respond to distress
  • Their tolerance for emotion
  • Their comfort, or discomfort, with closeness

This familiarity creates intensity. It feels electric, alive, meaningful. But, familiar does not always equal healthy.

Often, it means:
“I’ve met someone whose nervous system dances with mine in the same way my earliest relationships did.”

Imago therapy helps couples explore that deeper truth.

How Childhood Shapes Adult Relationships

Imago therapy recognizes that the feelings we struggled with as children often become the same feelings triggered in our adult partnerships.

If you grew up with:

  • Emotionally unavailable caregivers – You may feel anxious in relationships, seeking closeness and reassurance, especially when your partner pulls away.
  • Inconsistent or intrusive caregivers – You may become avoidant as an adult, withdrawing when someone gets too close.
  • Caregivers who couldn’t handle your vulnerability – You may learn to suppress emotions, keep the peace, or feel unsafe showing needs.
  • A parent who dismissed or minimized your feelings – You may choose a partner who does something similar, hoping this time it will finally feel different, healed, resolved.

We aren’t consciously choosing these patterns. Our nervous system simply gravitates toward what it knows. Imago therapy doesn’t judge this. It explains it, and then teaches couples how to change it.

The Imago “Dance”: How Couples Trigger Each Other

Every couple has a predictable emotional dance. One person might cling or pursue connection when upset. The other might shut down or pull away. One person raises emotions to feel seen. The other lowers emotions to feel safe.

These are not character flaws. They are attachment patterns learned long before adulthood.
Imago therapy helps couples recognize:
“This isn’t you attacking me, this is your history speaking.”
“This isn’t me abandoning you, this is my nervous system trying to cope.”

When both partners see each other through that clearer lens, the dynamic softens. The space for empathy grows. Conversations that once spiraled are now open to connection.

Why We Choose the Partners We Do

Imago therapy teaches that we choose partners for two reasons:

1. They carry the unhealed parts of our past.
We’re drawn to partners whose behavior – avoiding, clinging, shutting down, minimizing, overgiving – matches elements of our early caregivers. Not because we want to suffer, but because the psyche is always seeking resolution.

2. They also carry qualities we deeply need.
Partners often have strengths we didn’t receive enough growing up:

  • calmness
  • assertiveness
  • emotional steadiness
  • sensitivity
  • independence

We’re drawn to these qualities because they offer balance and growth.

Many couples realize:
“We chose each other because we both hold the wound and the medicine.”

That recognition alone can transform the entire relationship.

How Imago Therapy Helps Couples Heal

Imago work provides a structured, emotionally safe way for couples to explore and repair their connection. Key elements include:

1. Slowing down the nervous system
Instead of reacting from fear, old wounds, or childhood scripts, couples learn to pause and understand the emotional root of the moment.

2. Mirroring and deep listening
Partners reflect each other’s words back without judgment or interruption. This is often the first time someone truly feels heard.

3. Understanding the wound beneath the conflict
Instead of arguing about chores or timing or tone, couples learn to see:

  • Abandonment fear
  • Shame
  • Invisibility
  • Fear of engulfment
  • Fear of inadequacy

These are childhood wounds, not current intentions.

4. New corrective experiences
Imago helps each partner meet the other’s childhood needs in a healthier way:

  • Being consistent
  • Being emotionally available
  • Softening during conflict
  • Showing care
  • Repairing after rupture
  • Asking instead of assuming

Couples begin offering each other what their younger selves longed for. This is where healing truly takes place.

The Goal: Not Just Insight, But Transformation

Understanding your patterns is only the beginning. Imago therapy helps couples:

  • Create secure attachment
  • Repair trust
  • Communicate with compassion
  • Regulate conflict
  • Stop reenacting childhood pain
  • Build a relationship that feels emotionally safe and deeply connected

Many partners tell me that once they understand the why behind their reactions, everything changes:
Love becomes clearer. Conflict becomes softer. And each partner feels more like a teammate than a threat.

Choosing a Partner Is Not Random – It’s Meaningful

You choose the partner you do because some part of you is trying to heal. Imago therapy simply brings that healing into the light.

When you understand the unconscious pull behind your attraction and learn how to meet each other’s deeper emotional needs, your relationship can become the place where old patterns finally shift.

Not through pressure. Not through blame. But through understanding, compassion, and a shared desire to grow. To learn more about my couple’s therapy services, please visit the Couples & Marriage Therapy page.

Take the First Step

Schedule a free 30-minute consultation to explore whether this approach feels right for you.

Request an appointment by clicking below:

Nov 14 2025

What is EMDR Therapy? A Compassionate Approach to Childhood Trauma

By |Childhood Trauma, EMDR, Narcissism|

A Compassionate Approach to Childhood Trauma

Many people come into therapy with some version of the question:
“What’s wrong with me?”

They’ve tried talking about their childhood, maybe even spent years in talk therapy… and still feel stuck in the same patterns, relationships, and self-judgments. EMDR therapy offers a different path.

Instead of circling around old stories, EMDR helps you connect directly to the wound, experience it in a new way, and gently rewrite the story you’ve been carrying about yourself – especially if you grew up with a narcissistic, immature, or emotionally unavailable parent.

In this article, I’ll explain:

  • What EMDR therapy is
  • How EMDR works, in simple language
  • How EMDR therapy for childhood trauma can help you heal
  • What the EMDR process looks like in actual sessions
  • Why your trauma is “valid enough” – even if others “had it worse”

What Is EMDR Therapy?

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It’s a structured therapy approach that uses bilateral stimulation – typically alternating sounds, taps, or eye movements – to help your brain reprocess painful experiences that are “stuck” in the nervous system.

In traditional talk therapy, you often talk about what happened. In EMDR, you’re supported to re-experience memories in a safe, guided way, so your nervous system can finally do something it couldn’t do at the time: process and integrate them.

For many of my clients, EMDR becomes the turning point where they stop feeling:

  • “Fundamentally flawed”
  • Like their pain is proof something is wrong with them
  • Trapped in the same emotional reactions and relationship patterns

Instead, they begin to see:
“There was nothing wrong with me. The people around me simply couldn’t give me what I needed.”

That shift sounds simple, but it is not small.

EMDR Therapy for Childhood Trauma

I use EMDR therapy for childhood trauma – especially for people who grew up with:

  • A narcissistic parent
  • Parents who were emotionally immature, self-centered, or fragile
  • Caregivers who couldn’t recognize them as separate, unique individuals
  • Families that discouraged vulnerability, emotion, or “making a fuss”

Many of my clients had one parent who was narcissistic or unable to attach. Others grew up in households where no one responded to their crying, celebrated their achievements, or reflected their emotional reality back to them.

On the outside, this can look like:

  • “Nothing dramatic” happened – no obvious headline trauma
  • They did well in school, looked “fine,” and maybe even excelled
  • Parents fed, clothed, and housed them – so they feel guilty calling it trauma

On the inside, it often feels like:

  • Chronic self-blame: “Why couldn’t I just figure it out?”
  • Low self-worth masked by perfectionism or caretaking
  • Strong anxiety or depression, especially in relationships or work
  • Repeatedly choosing partners or bosses who feel oddly familiar… and painful

EMDR therapy helps you trace those present-day patterns back to their roots – not to stay stuck there, but to finally move through them.

How EMDR Works (In Plain Language)

The basic idea:
Trauma isn’t just “bad memories.”

It’s experiences that overwhelmed your nervous system when you had no way to process them – especially as a child who depended on adults who couldn’t show up emotionally.

In EMDR, we:

  1. Identify key memories and themes – Not every experience, but the ones that hold the emotional “charge” – feeling unseen, dismissed, shamed, abandoned, or unsafe.
  2. Engage your brain with bilateral stimulation – This might be gentle beeps alternating right–left through headphones. You can close your eyes while the sounds move back and forth, creating a light trance state that helps you go deeper into your own inner experience.
  3. Let the mind “re-run” the memory in a safe context – You’re not reliving the trauma alone. I’m with you, tracking what’s happening, and we slow down, pause, or adjust whenever needed.
  4. Introduce new, healing elements into the scene – This may include:
    • Imagining a kind, nurturing figure (a grandparent, teacher, mentor, or even a compassionate adult version of yourself) holding you or speaking to you
    • Naming clearly: “There was nothing wrong with me. The people around me simply were not capable of being the parents I needed.”
  5. Support your system to integrate a new belief – Over time, the emotional charge drops. The memory becomes neutral, instead of a live wire that keeps shocking you.

Clients often describe the shift like this:

  • At first, thinking about the memory feels like a 10/10 pain.
  • After EMDR processing, it may feel like a 4, then a 1–2, and eventually more like a historical fact than a wound.
  • They remember what happened but don’t feel hijacked by it.

That’s the heart of how EMDR works.

EMDR Process Explained: What Happens in a Session?

1. We start with safety, not with EMDR
Even if you specifically seek EMDR therapy, I don’t begin the EMDR process in the first session.

First, we:

  • Talk about what’s happening in your life right now
  • Explore where your pain shows up – in relationships, work, parenting, or your inner world
  • Build enough trust so you can feel that you are safe with me

You cannot do deep trauma work without a reliable sense of safety – with me, and ideally with at least a few people outside of therapy as well.

2. We map your history and “themes”
In early sessions, I’ll ask questions like:

  • “Where do you notice this pattern in your current life?”
  • “What is your earliest memory of someone treating you this way?”
  • “When did you first feel this kind of shame, abandonment, or invisibility?”

We’re gathering memories, not to drown in them, but to find key nodes that connect a whole network of experiences.
I usually ask you to make a list between sessions: moments that feel important, painful, or formative – even if they seem “small” or “not serious enough.”

3. We choose a target memory
When we begin EMDR, I’ll ask for:
“The worst or most painful experience related to this pattern.”

This often links to several other memories (6–7 or more), but we start with one.

You might:

  • Close your eyes
  • Notice images, sensations, emotions, and beliefs that come up
  • Rate how disturbing it feels from 0–10

Then we begin bilateral stimulation while you stay with the memory, with me guiding gently in and out as needed.

4. We bring in a nurturing figure
At key points, I may ask:

  • “Who in your life has felt kind and nurturing?”
  • “Can you imagine them holding you as a baby or sitting beside you as a child?”
  • “What would they want you to know about yourself now?”

For some people this is a grandmother, an aunt, a teacher, or a close friend.

Sometimes, the healing figure is an imagined ideal caregiver or your own adult self.
This isn’t fantasy to minimize what happened; it’s a way to give your nervous system the experience it never got: being seen, believed, and held.

5. We measure change
After several sets of bilateral stimulation, I’ll ask:

  • “When you think about that memory now, what comes up?”
  • “What do you notice in your body?”
  • “How disturbing does it feel now from 0–10?”

Over time, the emotional intensity falls. The story shifts from:
“Something was wrong with me.”
to:
“Something was missing in the adults around me. I was just a child who deserved care.”

That’s when we know the EMDR process is doing its job.

When EMDR Isn’t the First Step

Sometimes, people come in with:

  • Very high anxiety (can’t sleep, constantly on edge)
  • Major depression, where getting out of bed feels impossible

In those cases, EMDR might not be the immediate starting point.

You need a certain level of “ego strength” – a stable enough baseline – before you can safely revisit intense material without sinking deeper into depression or panic.

So before doing EMDR, we might:

  • Focus on stabilizing sleep, routines, and support systems
  • Work with anxiety directly, exploring what you fear will happen if you “go there”
  • In some cases, discuss medication as a temporary way to lift the baseline enough that EMDR doesn’t become overwhelming

This is still trauma therapy – but paced carefully, with your safety at the center.

Common Concerns About EMDR for Childhood Trauma

“What if I’m too scared to revisit my memories?”

We never force EMDR.

If your fear is very high, we slow down and look at:

  • What you’re afraid will happen
  • Whether you want a support person (partner, friend, sometimes a parent) present
  • What safety tools we need in place before going near certain memories

There are always creative ways to increase safety before we go deeper. Your nervous system leads, not my agenda.

“My childhood wasn’t that bad. Do I deserve trauma therapy?”

Many people feel guilty claiming the word trauma.

They say things like:

  • “Other people had it so much worse.”
  • “My parents put a roof over my head and food on the table.”
  • “Who am I to say I had childhood trauma?”

Here’s what I tell them:
If it was traumatic to you, that’s all that matters.

EMDR isn’t about comparing pain. It’s about honoring how your nervous system experienced what happened – and how it still lives in your body and relationships today.

There is no minimum threshold of suffering you must cross to deserve help.

What Healing Can Look Like After EMDR

Over time, clients who engage deeply in EMDR therapy for childhood trauma often notice:

  • More self-compassion and less self-blame – Instead of, “What’s wrong with me?” they can say, “Of course I coped this way. Look at what I came from.”
  • Healthier relationship choices – They stop unconsciously choosing partners who feel like an old parent in disguise – emotionally unavailable, self-centered, or unsafe – and start recognizing those red flags earlier.
  • A more stable sense of self-worth – Their value no longer depends entirely on external approval, performance, or caretaking.
  • A deeper trust in themselves – Trust becomes less about “Can I trust other people not to hurt me?” and more about “Can I trust myself to handle what comes, set boundaries, and walk away if needed?”
  • The ability to imagine a different future – Many clients tell me, sometimes through tears, “I never thought I could be a good parent/partner/leader. Now I can actually imagine that.”

In short:
EMDR doesn’t delete your past. It helps reorganize it so it no longer controls your present or dictates your future.

A Compassionate Path Forward

Childhood trauma – especially when shaped by narcissistic or emotionally immature parenting – often leaves you feeling like you were the problem:

  • Too needy
  • Too sensitive
  • Too much
  • Or never enough

EMDR therapy offers a compassionate way to challenge that story at its roots.
Through an attachment-oriented, safety-focused EMDR process, you can:

  • Revisit painful experiences without being swallowed by them
  • Receive – internally and imaginatively – the care you should have had
  • Develop a deep sense of self-acceptance and self-love
  • Choose relationships and environments that truly support who you are now

If you’ve ever wondered whether your childhood “counts” as trauma, or whether you deserve to heal, I want you to know:

  • You do not have to prove your pain to anyone.
  • If it still hurts, it matters – and it is worthy of care.

To learn more visit my Childhood Trauma Therapy page.

Take the First Step

Schedule a free 30-minute consultation to explore whether this approach feels right for you.

Request an appointment by clicking below:

Oct 7 2025

How Narcissistic Parents Impact Our Mental Health

By |Childhood Trauma, Narcissism, Trauma Bonding|

Understanding the Impact of Narcissistic Parents on Mental Health

So many people come to me saying, “What’s wrong with me?” And what I want them to know right away is this: your pain isn’t proof of a flaw – it’s a reflection of how a caregiver saw you. If you had a narcissistic parent, you may have grown up believing you were too much, not enough, or only lovable when you met someone else’s needs.

That kind of parenting doesn’t just shape childhood. It follows you into adulthood, into your relationships, into your sense of self, into the way your nervous system reacts when you feel unseen or unloved.

How do narcissistic parents shape attachment styles?

Ninety-five percent of my clients had at least one narcissistic parent. Growing up in that kind of environment can often make love feel conditional. You may have learned that you had to perform, stay quiet, or take care of someone else’s feelings in order to be loved.

That leaves a mark on attachment. If you had to cling for love, you may have developed anxious attachment, always worried about being left. If you learned your needs weren’t safe, you may have become avoidant by pulling away, keeping your distance, not letting people in. Some people develop disorganized attachment, swinging between clinging and withdrawing because they never knew what to expect.

When people first come to me, they’re blaming themselves for their struggles in relationships. They think something is wrong with them. What I help them see is that their struggles are not flaws. They are patterns born from the survival strategies of childhood.

Why does childhood trauma create trauma bonding in adult relationships?

One of the most painful impacts of narcissistic parenting is the way it sets us up for trauma bonds. The nervous system looks for what is familiar, even if it’s painful. This often results in us being drawn to people who are emotionally unavailable, critical, or controlling.

This is why I so often see anxious and avoidant partners pairing up. The clingy partner is usually with the avoidant partner, and it’s the perfect storm of reactivity. One person pursues while terrified of abandonment and the other withdraws, terrified of being engulfed. Both are reacting from old wounds.

These relationships feel magnetic because they reflect the unfinished business of their childhood trauma. This push-pull feels familiar, even though it’s exhausting. Healing means recognizing that this is a pattern and learning to choose relationships that feel safe, not just familiar.

How does emotional reactivity show up in relationships after narcissistic parenting?

When you grow up with a narcissistic parent, your nervous system is constantly on alert. You find yourself waiting for criticism and bracing yourself for disapproval. That doesn’t just disappear when you become an adult.

So when your partner is silent, it might not just feel like a pause, but it might feel like abandonment. When they criticize, it can feel like years of being put down. This is what I mean when I say reactivity is when the nervous system gets activated and the past comes flooding into the present.

Your response isn’t about the one comment or the one moment. It’s about every moment you felt unseen, unloved, or unworthy. This doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your body remembers. Therapy gives us tools to slow this down, to notice what’s happening, and to bring compassion to the younger parts of you that are still hurting.

How can we begin to heal from the impact of narcissistic parents?

For me, the most important thing I want for my clients is that they experience a deep sense of self-love – of real compassion for themselves. When you’ve grown up with a narcissistic parent, you often believe love has to be earned. You may think you have to prove your worth over and over. Healing means remembering that you were always worthy of love simply for being you.

That’s why I use EMDR in my work. EMDR creates a light trance where we can map memories and bring in safe figures. With bilateral stimulation, we revisit the moments that carry pain and reprocess them. We can bring in imagined figures who offer the love, protection, and care you needed but didn’t receive. Over time, this helps soften reactivity and shifts how you see yourself.

Healing isn’t about erasing the past. It’s about learning that you no longer have to live by the rules your parent imposed. You can meet yourself with compassion. You can choose relationships rooted in safety and love rather than survival and fear.

Healing from narcissistic parenting is not about perfection. It’s not about fixing what’s broken – it’s about reclaiming who you really are. The voices of shame and self-blame are not your truth. They are the echoes of your childhood. With compassion, you can quiet those voices and reconnect with your authentic self, the self that is deserving of love, safety, and belonging.

Take the First Step

Schedule a free 30-minute consultation to explore whether this approach feels right for you.

Request an appointment by clicking below:

Sep 14 2025

How Childhood Trauma Shapes Adult Relationships

By |Childhood Trauma, EMDR|

3 Ways That Childhood Dynamics Impact Relationships in Adulthood and How EMDR Can Help

In my work, I see every day how the wounds of childhood echo into adulthood. My approach is attachment oriented, and that means that one’s earliest experiences in childhood, in infancy and childhood, really form a template for how that person attaches later in life. Those early imprints shape how we bond, how we react in moments of conflict, and how safe or unsafe love feels.

In this article, we’ll explore how unresolved childhood trauma influences adult relationships. We’ll look at the role of attachment styles, how trauma bonding can keep people stuck in painful dynamics, and why emotional reactivity in relationships is often a signal of much earlier wounds. I’ll also share how approaches like EMDR can help untangle these patterns and create space for more secure, compassionate connection.

How Attachment Styles are Formed Early On

Attachment theory suggests that the ways we learn to connect with caregivers as children become internal blueprints for how we connect with others as adults. When a caregiver is consistently responsive- soothing, attentive, and emotionally available – the child usually develops a secure attachment. They learn that relationships are safe and that needs will be met.

But when care is inconsistent or overwhelming, different attachment styles emerge. Some children adapt by becoming anxious: they cling, protest, or grow hyper-alert to any signs of abandonment because love feels uncertain. Others adapt by becoming avoidant: they shut down, withdraw, or rely only on themselves because closeness feels risky. Still others fall into a disorganized pattern, caught between reaching for connection and fearing it at the same time.

The different attachment styles we learn in childhood tend to influence how we connect in our adult relationships. And when we combine two different people with different upbringings, the dynamics can be completely unique in almost every relationship.

For example, I once worked with a young pair where the girlfriend longed for closeness and reassurance, while the boyfriend seemed to retreat whenever emotions got intense. She described her attachment style as clinging while his was avoidant – always wanting to run when a serious conversation needed to happen.

This dynamic is a textbook example of how anxious and avoidant attachment styles can collide: one partner grasps for security, while the other pulls away in order to feel safe.

We often keep recreating what happened in our own childhood and bringing it into our present relationships. We reenact the same patterns, and until we become conscious of them, take a deep look into why they exist, and seek to understand them, we will continue to encounter similar problems in different relationships.

So, what feels like a “relationship problem” in the present is often a reflection of early imprints being replayed. In my sessions, I help people notice these dynamics, understand where they come from, and gradually practice new ways of relating that allow for greater safety and connection.

How Trauma Can Create Unhealthy Feelings of What Love Is

I often see how people mistake intensity for intimacy. When a child grows up in an environment where love is tied up with fear, neglect, or unpredictability, they may learn that relationships are supposed to be unstable or painful. This is what we call trauma bonding: the nervous system becomes wired to associate closeness with conflict, abandonment, or volatility. As adults, this can show up as staying in relationships that hurt, because the chaos feels strangely familiar.

Secure love is different. It grows out of experiences where care was consistent, needs were met, and emotions were allowed. In secure relationships, partners can disagree or face stress without threatening the bond. Love feels steady rather than explosive, safe rather than consuming.

Part of my work is helping clients begin to notice the difference. Through EMDR and attachment-focused therapy, those old survival bonds start to loosen. The memories remain, but the emotional charge that once pulled someone back into the same painful dynamics fades. In that space, people can begin to choose relationships that feel safe, supportive, and truly loving.

How Unresolved Trauma Impacts How We React

Emotional reactivity happens when present-day situations trigger outsized responses that are really rooted in past wounds. A partner coming home late, forgetting a small detail, or withdrawing in an argument can ignite feelings of abandonment, rejection, or fear that are disproportionate to the moment.

This is because the nervous system is not only reacting to the partner in front of us, but also to unresolved experiences from childhood where needs were not met.

In therapy, I often help people make these connections. A present-day conflict becomes a window into earlier memories where similar emotions first formed. Through EMDR, we work on reducing the intensity of those memories so they no longer hijack the present. Clients often notice that situations which once felt overwhelming become more manageable, allowing them to stay grounded rather than spiral into fight, flight, or freeze.

How I Use EMDR to Reprocess Your Trauma

In EMDR, we reprocess our experiences by talking about our trauma. Part of the EMDR protocol is to take a history, especially of the painful negative experiences that continue to echo into the present. I often ask clients to identify the worst, most painful memory, because that single memory is often connected to many others. By working through it, we begin to loosen the whole network of stored experiences.

During reprocessing, I ask questions like, What did that little child need at the time? We do this to return to the moment when the nervous system encoded a belief such as I am unlovable or I am unsafe. A child doesn’t have the resources to question those beliefs or to recognize that the failure belonged to the parent, not to them. By asking what the child needed, we can introduce a new experience of what they needed in that moment. Instead of a harsh voice, maybe they needed a soft voice, or if they felt fear they needed to be consoled or held.

This process allows clients to access a new narrative. Instead of carrying the burden of something being wrong with them, they begin to recognize their parents were unable to give them what they needed – while still learning to accept that they were still worthy.

Over time, the emotional intensity of those memories changes. Clients report that situations which once brought overwhelming pain feel lighter, less charged, even neutral. At that point, the memory still exists, but it no longer dictates how they see themselves or how they respond in relationships.

What Happens After EMDR

One of the most powerful shifts that clients experience through EMDR is the emergence of self-compassion. Many clients tell me that, maybe for the first time, they can look at themselves with kindness instead of blame. They begin to relate to themselves the way a good parent would, such as being able to offer comfort when they make mistakes, rather than harsh judgment.

Another change is how people think about trust. Rather than focusing only on whether others can be trusted, clients start to recognize that trust is really about believing in their own ability to handle whatever life brings. This shift gives them more confidence and resilience in their relationships. At the core of all this work, the goal is that clients experience a deep sense of self-love and true self-acceptance.

I also see clients become more integrated in their sense of self. When trauma blocks development, people can get stuck in earlier stages of growth. Processing those wounds allows them to move through milestones they may have missed, creating a stronger foundation for adulthood. With this integration often comes less emotional reactivity, clearer boundaries, and more freedom in choosing how to relate to others.

For some, the transformation is profound. I’ve worked with people who, after EMDR, could finally imagine themselves as nurturing partners or parents. One client put it simply: I never would have thought of myself as being a good parent until now.

Remembering That Your Pain Counts

People often minimize their pain, comparing it to others’ suffering. I always remind them: If it was traumatic to you that is all that matters.

Healing is not about comparison. It is about honoring your own story, bringing compassion to the parts that hurt, and creating space for new ways of relating to yourself and others.

Take the First Step

Schedule a free 30-minute consultation to explore whether this approach feels right for you.

Request an appointment by clicking below:

Aug 28 2019

Scammed: A Warning

By |Scam|

I was the survivor of a scam on August 16, and would like to use this platform to tell the story and utilize this as a cautionary tale.

On August 16, 2019, I received a voicemail from someone claiming to be a Sheriff Todd Hughes from San Mateo County. The voicemail sounded urgent and genuine. I called back at 4 pm when I was finished with my clients that day. The man stated that a certified letter had been delivered to my office on June 11, at which time someone signed for it. Apparently, the letter stated I was to appear as a witness for a grand jury the morning of August 16, and because I did not show the judge issued a bench warrant for my arrest.

He stated I was to go to San Francisco City Hall Sheriff’s Department, and deliver a writing sample to prove I was not the person who signed for the letter. I asked him why, if the case where I was expected to be a witness was in San Mateo, would I have to report to San Francisco City Hall. He said that was where I needed to go. And that was my first red flag. I also asked the name of the case. He said he would reveal that when I came to City Hall. Second red flag.

He asserted that I had to remain on the phone with him throughout this ordeal. Once I got to my car, he asked me to state my name, time, and date, and each time I made a transaction I was to repeat my name, time and date. He advised me that I needed to withdraw $1496.00 from my bank account. I was then told to find either a Safeway or CVS and buy, in cash, three Reloadit cards (which are very much like a Visa or Mastercard gift card) for the total of $1496.00.

I was told by this alleged sheriff to give him the numbers on the backs of each Reloadit card, along with the receipts from Safeway for said cards and mail it to an address in San Mateo, to the attention of Captain Holloway. I did not have postage, but deposited the cards and the three receipts in a postal box because he said it would still be sent to the appropriate address. He assured me that I would be reimbursed once I got to City Hall.

Once I got back in the car, again stating my name, time and date, he stated that the court hearing would begin while I was on the phone. He said he had to speak to the judge and would call me back. Meanwhile I drove down to City Hall, went upstairs to the third floor and the Sheriff’s office was closed. It wasn’t until that moment that it dawned on me this was a scam.

There were two sheriffs seated in the lobby of City Hall. I broke down. One of the folks summoned the chief deputy. He ushered me down to their security office. It was there that I filed a report, giving all the information I had at the time. The deputy tried to call the telephone number “Tod Hughes” gave, and the phone was disconnected – probably a burner phone.

Two weeks later a sheriff with the crime investigation division called to say he would be following up. The letter I mailed is still in the possession of the post office, and requires a federal agent to retrieve. Here is what I learned. This guy was good; he was very authoritative sounding and somewhat threatening. I went into fight mode, with a large dose of panic. I learned that I need to calm down first, if I ever get a call like that again. Then perhaps call my husband, or an attorney I know, to test the legitimacy of the claim, or report it to the police.

This was a hard lesson. I am more than anything outraged at having been duped, but recognizing that I am now properly armed. I wonder why someone who was clearly intelligent and quite sophisticated chooses to rob people rather than seeking lawful work, who could actually provide some kind of service.

My hope is that this provides some usefulness to others. A dear friend said to me to think of this as tuition. Very wise.

Dec 3 2018

Narcissism Seems Rampant

By |Ego, Narcissism, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD|

Quite a number of people were revolted watching the manner in which Brett Kavanaugh so self-righteously behaved as though victimized by having to defend himself against allegations made by Christine Blasey-Ford. From all accounts, he went to a prestigious prep school, and seemed groomed to live and work within the upper echelons of society. How outrageous, thought he, that he was placed under scrutiny by the FBI and the Senate Judiciary Committee. How dare he be questioned at all? And then there was the Stanford athlete, Brock Turner, who had been accused of sexual assault on Stanford’s campus. Turner was convicted of three charges of felony sexual assault. Santa Clara County Superior Court Judge Aaron Persky sentenced Turner to six months confinement (of which he served half) and three years probation. Seeing his father so affronted on the news at the prospect of his son being punished was pretty striking.

How is it that a man accused of sexual assault turns into a victim? What is it that allows that process to happen? These are two examples of people who feel very entitled to be given whatever they want, because they seem to have grown up believing they deserve it, and nothing should stand in their way.

Here is an abridged definition of narcissism, as defined by the Diagnostic & Statistical Manual Fifth Edition (DSM V):

Individuals with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) have a grandiose sense of self-importance. They routinely over- estimate their abilities and inflate their accomplishments, appearing boastful and pretentious. They often underestimate the contributions of others. They are often preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love. Individuals with NPD believe they are superior, special or unique, and expect others to recognize them as such. Their own self-esteem is enhanced by the idealized value they assign to those with whom they associate. They require excessive admiration; their self-esteem is almost invariably very fragile. A sense of entitlement is evident in these individuals’ unreasonable expectation of especially favorable treatment. They expect to be catered to and are puzzled or furious when this does not happen. Individuals with NPD generally have a lack of empathy and have difficulty recognizing the desires, subjective experiences, and feelings of others. They are often contemptuous and impatient with others who talk about their own problems or concerns. Arrogant, haughty behaviors characterize these individuals: they often display snobbish, disdainful, or patronizing attitudes. Although they may not show it outwardly, criticism may haunt these individuals and may leave them humiliated, degraded, hollow, and empty. They may react with disdain, rage, or defiant counterattack.

It is interesting to note that those who live and work with them often feel exhausted, exploited, as though they must walk on eggshells, and never authentically connecting.

We know of at least one very obvious example, though I won’t mention his name. He speaks to others in an offensive tone, often blaming someone else, and when confronted with his words, deflects what is asked of him and then retaliates.

According to Freud, it is thought that all human infants pass through a phase of primary narcissism, in which they assume they are the center of the universe. This phase ends when the baby is forced by the realities of life to recognize that it does not control its parents or other caregivers but is in fact entirely dependent on them. Normally, the baby (at between 15-22 months) gives up its fantasy of being all powerful and becomes emotionally attached to its parents rather than itself. What happens for the NPD patient is that the fantasy persists that the world is his oyster and revolves around him. In order to protect this illusion, he must seal off those perceptions of reality that do not fit or resonate with this grandiose self.

The psychiatrist Kernberg views narcissism as a child’s defense against a cold and unempathic parent. Emotionally hungry and angry at the depriving parents, the child withdraws into a part of the self that the parents’ value, whether looks, intellectual ability, or some other skill or talent. This part of the self becomes hyper-inflated or grandiose. Any perceived weaknesses are split off into a hidden part of the self. Splitting gives rise to a lifelong tendency to swing between extremes of grandiosity and feelings of emptiness and worthlessness.

Additionally, a person with NPD frequently externalizes what s/he cannot allow themselves to feel.

Oct 23 2018

On The Current Political Atmosphere

By |Cognitive Dissonance, Me Too Movement, Politics|

As a therapist, I am both curious and disturbed by national politics, as well as how it has impacted my psychotherapy practice. The past two years have had clients reeling from all the high drama coming from the White House. I include myself in that group.

This blog is not meant to persuade or criticize those on the right or left. Nor is it meant to judge. This is to be a place where there is no vitriol, no attacks.

Ever since the 2016 election, many of my clients have been deeply troubled by the political ethos. In fact, the day after the election, my office felt like a morgue. People were left shocked, scared, and rendered helpless, similar to how a person feels after a traumatic incident, where the memory feels frozen in time.

Nowhere is this truer than for the ‘Me Too’ movement. After the Kavanaugh hearings in the Senate, many women were again activated. Seeing Christine Blasey Ford appear in front of the judiciary committee, with a look of what I would describe as terror, and based on the committee’s actions not believed, brought into sharp focus what women live with all the time. She came forward because she believed she had to, and the Senate voted that they believed she had been assaulted, but not by Kavanaugh. In fact, Susan Collins remarked that she KNEW it wasn’t Kavanaugh who assaulted her. That astounded me.

A client recently asserted that we as women have been rendered powerless. I don’t believe that. What I see is male bastions being challenged, and in their effort to do so, clamping down on a movement that simply will not be thwarted. In fact, I see many of these folks as quite weak and scared beneath the loud bravado. They feel deeply threatened. But there will be no going back.

But how do we take care of ourselves? I admit that I get caught up reading and listening to the press, and then being anxious and upset. I have had friends and colleagues suggest taking a break from the news. I think we need to find ways to take special care of ourselves. This can include massages, time with good friends, meditation, and exercise. It can also include becoming an active citizen.

We are living in a psychological state of cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is defined as the mental discomfort experienced by a person who simultaneously holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas or values. This discomfort is triggered by a situation in which a belief of a person clashes with new evidence perceived by that person. For example, Ms. Blasey Ford’s testimony was believed by the Republican members of the judiciary committee, yet they chose to forward Kavanaugh’s nomination anyway.

This is a time when truth is not held by the culture as a high value and it is deeply troubling.

© All Rights Reserved - Prabha Milstein, LMFT - LIC# MFC44579